I've stayed away from blogging for a little time now. I think that the purpose of this blog was getting lost. I felt that the hospital admissions were necessary to admit to. The details are my issue.
Generally I write for sanity, pleasure, clearing of the mind and such. I found this latest batch of entries annoying. I think what also bothered me about the entries was the time line. For some reason it is important to me when I write. And that time line was fugged up.
I'd like to get back to some semblance of me. Some semblance of who I am, what I do, and what I enjoy. Yes there is a lot of sad drama about my sister right now. Maybe that too is why I come here. Here I am able to escape and focus on me, like I cannot do away from here.
So then is the blog a selfish thing? Of that I'm not sure, but mostly I say no. That is why I leave it open to the public. Perhaps too I noticed the drop in readers about the hospital stuff. I must say it reads...well no I won't re-read it.
When I return tomorrow, I'll put a bit more into this. I did a few things this weekend. Some of it will be interspersed with what occurred. It is however 5 in the morning on a Sunday.
I'd like to shower, then walk up to the bakery about 7. I'm going to get a morning glory muffin today.
-Later.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Discharged into Thursday.
They'd let me out earlier than expected. They wanted to pump me full of this shit, but let me out anyway. Because of it I would now need to get my lungs, thyroid, and eyes checked, side effects huh.
I don't remember Thursday, maybe it was then that they discharged me, foggy I fear. Gave me prescriptions and such. Oh joy oh rapture, sarcasm obviously. Nothing like being pumped full of a poison for your own good huh.
I must say that the hospital food wasn't great. Edible, definitely not the worst I'd ever had. And most assuredly not great. I was glad to be out and resume my life.
The room, I fugged up on that. This room was cozy, in a weird way. Comfortable. Was near the window. Roomate was an older guy, senior citizen. Poor dude had been on the golf course, didn't think his diuretic was working so took a double dose. It shut down his kidneys. I hope he was okay. His name escapes me now.
Friday. I went to work, explained it all, and it was a decent day. I enjoy being able to do something to keep my mind off shit. Had a nice dinner, no I cannot remember what it was. About 10 I sat and watched 1 episode of Judge Judy. Went into my room about 10:30, sat at my computer.
I could feel something. I stood up and questioned wtf. It was quick. This is another reason I didn't want to rehash, so much shit happened it blends together.
KABOOM! The damned device fired again. I was officially scared. Once again no one could drive me to the hospital. So I went back to the E.R.
From here we'll continue with the private room that was in the last post.
I don't remember Thursday, maybe it was then that they discharged me, foggy I fear. Gave me prescriptions and such. Oh joy oh rapture, sarcasm obviously. Nothing like being pumped full of a poison for your own good huh.
I must say that the hospital food wasn't great. Edible, definitely not the worst I'd ever had. And most assuredly not great. I was glad to be out and resume my life.
The room, I fugged up on that. This room was cozy, in a weird way. Comfortable. Was near the window. Roomate was an older guy, senior citizen. Poor dude had been on the golf course, didn't think his diuretic was working so took a double dose. It shut down his kidneys. I hope he was okay. His name escapes me now.
Friday. I went to work, explained it all, and it was a decent day. I enjoy being able to do something to keep my mind off shit. Had a nice dinner, no I cannot remember what it was. About 10 I sat and watched 1 episode of Judge Judy. Went into my room about 10:30, sat at my computer.
I could feel something. I stood up and questioned wtf. It was quick. This is another reason I didn't want to rehash, so much shit happened it blends together.
KABOOM! The damned device fired again. I was officially scared. Once again no one could drive me to the hospital. So I went back to the E.R.
From here we'll continue with the private room that was in the last post.
Friday descends into Saturday
It was a good day for the watching of college football. That was the essence of my day. At some point the inmates came up, they brought me half of a chicken sandwich and a bottle of seltzer. There wasn't any lettuce or tomatoe, but it beat the turkey on white bread the E.R. said they could get me. I figured it probably had mayo on it as well. Ugh.
It was late afternoon, they'd left, my room mate left, dropped my seltzer cap onto the floor. I poured the other half down the drain in the sink. They finally came to take me to a room.
It was in their cardiac ward, looked like an isolation room. Which was fine by me. Meant my own bathroom. They started to get me set up. The room was nice but didn't have the coziness factor of the last one.
This is when you get the most amount of attention if you ask me. Hooked up, in bed, one of the guys got the television to work. The channels could only be changed with the up or down button, no punching them in, oh well.
I really don't want to rehash this all. Let us suffice to say I languished there until Wednesday.
It was late afternoon, they'd left, my room mate left, dropped my seltzer cap onto the floor. I poured the other half down the drain in the sink. They finally came to take me to a room.
It was in their cardiac ward, looked like an isolation room. Which was fine by me. Meant my own bathroom. They started to get me set up. The room was nice but didn't have the coziness factor of the last one.
This is when you get the most amount of attention if you ask me. Hooked up, in bed, one of the guys got the television to work. The channels could only be changed with the up or down button, no punching them in, oh well.
I really don't want to rehash this all. Let us suffice to say I languished there until Wednesday.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
The lines are getting very very blurred.
Just came home from another hospital visit Friday night. Long twisted tale. And I haven't even completed the other one I was telling.
I'm basically housebound right now. So figure I should be able to catch up and release 1 a day. Housebound is the wrong word. I just am not allowed to drive. Which leaves me with gobs and gobs of time with 2 people I most often want to put distance between. Oh well.
A little later I will take a walk into town. Hell may even have a cigar. Trying to keep my head on straight, not working terribly well. Just really want my freedom. Brother in law keeps saying he'll talk to his family about money from the trust fund. We are sunk without it.
I just need to keep busy is all. And that is what I shall do.
I'm basically housebound right now. So figure I should be able to catch up and release 1 a day. Housebound is the wrong word. I just am not allowed to drive. Which leaves me with gobs and gobs of time with 2 people I most often want to put distance between. Oh well.
A little later I will take a walk into town. Hell may even have a cigar. Trying to keep my head on straight, not working terribly well. Just really want my freedom. Brother in law keeps saying he'll talk to his family about money from the trust fund. We are sunk without it.
I just need to keep busy is all. And that is what I shall do.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Friday continued.
It was strange to be there on a Friday. I always expect more activity. Essentially I was in a room, t.v. to my left, another bed to my right. After a certain point they stopped coming in for vitals. I after all wasn't a true emergency, I could be monitored from the monitors at the desk. I did hear the activity pick up.
At some point I got some pre-teen in my room, apparently she'd had several seizures. Sounded like a lot wrong there, felt bad. She was really out of it, her mom was there. At some point near the beginning she told a nurse .she'd knock him out if he touched her. She eventually calmed down. Mom stayed with her until morning.
As for me. Dozed and stuff, knew nothing would be done until the morning shift of Dr.s came in. I did have one come in to interrogate my device. Brought the wrong machine and had to come back. Once again my heart had raced way to fast and this was not good. The only upside of this was that we confirmed that my device was an hour behind. Sorry for me the little details matter. And no that was not the cause of my issues.
Met with the newly arrived attendees. 1whom I'd seen and admitted me the Tuesday prior. Well we would now saturate my body with this drug, which meant a stay of maybe 3 to 5 days. Of course I consented, what else could be done. Called the inmates and apprised them of the situation. They'd be up to see me later. Also they'd given me free acess to walk to the bathroom which I appreciated. I mean the I.V. line wouldn't start for hours.
At some point I got some pre-teen in my room, apparently she'd had several seizures. Sounded like a lot wrong there, felt bad. She was really out of it, her mom was there. At some point near the beginning she told a nurse .she'd knock him out if he touched her. She eventually calmed down. Mom stayed with her until morning.
As for me. Dozed and stuff, knew nothing would be done until the morning shift of Dr.s came in. I did have one come in to interrogate my device. Brought the wrong machine and had to come back. Once again my heart had raced way to fast and this was not good. The only upside of this was that we confirmed that my device was an hour behind. Sorry for me the little details matter. And no that was not the cause of my issues.
Met with the newly arrived attendees. 1whom I'd seen and admitted me the Tuesday prior. Well we would now saturate my body with this drug, which meant a stay of maybe 3 to 5 days. Of course I consented, what else could be done. Called the inmates and apprised them of the situation. They'd be up to see me later. Also they'd given me free acess to walk to the bathroom which I appreciated. I mean the I.V. line wouldn't start for hours.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Thursday passed into Friday morning. I had one cup of coffee. Got in my car and left for work. Explained to my manager and all that. Nothing exceptionally notable.
Friday night, think we had pizza, not real sure now. Was a pleasant enough evening, no one annoying me for one reason or another. I decided to take it very easy and stay at home. Sat down and watched Judge Judy. Walked into my room to sit at my computer. It was about 10:30.
I stood up, feeling very strange. I think I may have loudly uttered "whats happening". To me it was more like when the older daughter comes back home in the movie Poltergeist. Where she was for half the movie who knows. But the scene was always most notable because as the house is being lit up by spiritual energy she screams that line.
It was a very odd feeling. Maybe 3 or 4 seconds at the most. It almost felt like a rush of a high you'd get from narcotics. Well even from then there is a hard and rude landing. It went off again. I was still standing, it went off, the high left, and admittedly I was scared.
This time they heard me. Same circumstances as to why they couldn't drive. I would have to brave this myself, just lovely.
It was the tensest, it is a word now, driving I think I've done in the last 20 years. Up to the highway, onto county route, finally the hospital. Valet parked. Walked to the place I knew. It was surprisingly empty for 11 something on a Friday night. Same treatment, though I was rushed to a different room.
This emergency room crew was different. They did the standard, and maybe didn't fuss because I'd been there just a scant day earlier. Told my story and was left alone. Alone to listen to my heart monitor and worry. Oh but wait, there was a T.V.
T.B.C.
-Later.
Friday night, think we had pizza, not real sure now. Was a pleasant enough evening, no one annoying me for one reason or another. I decided to take it very easy and stay at home. Sat down and watched Judge Judy. Walked into my room to sit at my computer. It was about 10:30.
I stood up, feeling very strange. I think I may have loudly uttered "whats happening". To me it was more like when the older daughter comes back home in the movie Poltergeist. Where she was for half the movie who knows. But the scene was always most notable because as the house is being lit up by spiritual energy she screams that line.
It was a very odd feeling. Maybe 3 or 4 seconds at the most. It almost felt like a rush of a high you'd get from narcotics. Well even from then there is a hard and rude landing. It went off again. I was still standing, it went off, the high left, and admittedly I was scared.
This time they heard me. Same circumstances as to why they couldn't drive. I would have to brave this myself, just lovely.
It was the tensest, it is a word now, driving I think I've done in the last 20 years. Up to the highway, onto county route, finally the hospital. Valet parked. Walked to the place I knew. It was surprisingly empty for 11 something on a Friday night. Same treatment, though I was rushed to a different room.
This emergency room crew was different. They did the standard, and maybe didn't fuss because I'd been there just a scant day earlier. Told my story and was left alone. Alone to listen to my heart monitor and worry. Oh but wait, there was a T.V.
T.B.C.
-Later.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Interrogation.
After some time a Dr. came in to interrogate my defibrillator. Basically there is a piece of equipment they use to get a reading. The first one didn't do so well, oh he brought the wrong machine. "Just great" I told myself.
After he brought the right one, the report concluded that yes the device had fired. Apparently whilst I slumbered my heart raced into the 200's, not a normal thing people. And I was left to contemplate my hospital stay. It was nice to have a television, small comfort, but I would take it.
Sometime later another came in. Told me that they would like to start pumping me full of this drug. I said I'd check with my Dr.'s. Basically it was approved, IV attached and I was in my own room about 8 in the A.M.
It was a critical care ward. I must say it was extremely cozy and comforting. Yes it is an odd thing to say, but it was. The nurses were very attentive. I told them my story. The inmates came to see me, worried and concerned. I put on a brave face and pish poshed all of it.
But I was concerned. I mean there was no way to tell why it happened, it just did. And now medical science in all its wisdom wasn't looking into it deeper. No just add a drug and hope it works. I was supposed to be in longer, but they let me out Thursday. Fully cleared to take meds and continue with my life.
-Later.
After he brought the right one, the report concluded that yes the device had fired. Apparently whilst I slumbered my heart raced into the 200's, not a normal thing people. And I was left to contemplate my hospital stay. It was nice to have a television, small comfort, but I would take it.
Sometime later another came in. Told me that they would like to start pumping me full of this drug. I said I'd check with my Dr.'s. Basically it was approved, IV attached and I was in my own room about 8 in the A.M.
It was a critical care ward. I must say it was extremely cozy and comforting. Yes it is an odd thing to say, but it was. The nurses were very attentive. I told them my story. The inmates came to see me, worried and concerned. I put on a brave face and pish poshed all of it.
But I was concerned. I mean there was no way to tell why it happened, it just did. And now medical science in all its wisdom wasn't looking into it deeper. No just add a drug and hope it works. I was supposed to be in longer, but they let me out Thursday. Fully cleared to take meds and continue with my life.
-Later.
A morning without coffee.
I'm here alone today as you may have noticed. What? You read the title. The absence of my beloved coffee is by choice at the moment. But I am getting ahead of myself.
The day after Labor day. An easy day at work, had come home, had dinner, (don't remember if I cooked or not), watched some television and went to bed about midnight.
THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED!!! (suppose I could improve that with a dark stormy night).
There was a loud thud. No not from outside. It jolted me literally awake. My defibrillator had fired. Now since I've had it, I've taken it very lightly. Especially when it fired. Mostly because I was doing something physical when it went off. But this time, it went off in my sleep. I knew that was very bad.
Got up, guessing my sister heard me yelp. Explained that I was going to the E.R. You see when the device fires you are always supposed to go to the hospital or something. Like I said, there'd always been a reason before. Furthermore I'd always explained that if it ever went off on its own while I was doing nothing, then of course I'd head to the E.R.
Sister couldn't drive, had taken half a pain pill, brother in law? Drunk. So yes I drove myself. A technical no no. Went to the nearest hospital, nice thing, they have valet parking for their E.R. Yes the place is just that big.
Walked in, waited in line of course. Funny thing here is it is the same E.R. we'd taken my sister to the week prior. So I knew how it would be. For me they put me in a wheel chair and took me inside. Personally I was almost astonished that it wasn't more full of people after midnight on a Friday.
Oh there they were, on the other side. So I got the royal treatment, straight to my own room, with a t.v. Then a flurry of people and questions that you answer before they give you a chance to think. Hooking me up to their cardio monitor and such. I explained I was just fine.
I would have to wait for the interrogation.
-Later
The day after Labor day. An easy day at work, had come home, had dinner, (don't remember if I cooked or not), watched some television and went to bed about midnight.
THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED!!! (suppose I could improve that with a dark stormy night).
There was a loud thud. No not from outside. It jolted me literally awake. My defibrillator had fired. Now since I've had it, I've taken it very lightly. Especially when it fired. Mostly because I was doing something physical when it went off. But this time, it went off in my sleep. I knew that was very bad.
Got up, guessing my sister heard me yelp. Explained that I was going to the E.R. You see when the device fires you are always supposed to go to the hospital or something. Like I said, there'd always been a reason before. Furthermore I'd always explained that if it ever went off on its own while I was doing nothing, then of course I'd head to the E.R.
Sister couldn't drive, had taken half a pain pill, brother in law? Drunk. So yes I drove myself. A technical no no. Went to the nearest hospital, nice thing, they have valet parking for their E.R. Yes the place is just that big.
Walked in, waited in line of course. Funny thing here is it is the same E.R. we'd taken my sister to the week prior. So I knew how it would be. For me they put me in a wheel chair and took me inside. Personally I was almost astonished that it wasn't more full of people after midnight on a Friday.
Oh there they were, on the other side. So I got the royal treatment, straight to my own room, with a t.v. Then a flurry of people and questions that you answer before they give you a chance to think. Hooking me up to their cardio monitor and such. I explained I was just fine.
I would have to wait for the interrogation.
-Later
Thursday, September 12, 2013
It's been a hellish 2 weeks
Hello to whomsoever is out there. I'm not even 100% sure how to begin, where to begin, or if this even belongs here. Asinine I know.
Just off the tip of the iceberg, I've been hospitalized twice now. Irritatingly enough, may be next Friday but am unsure.
It's 2 in the morning as I write this so I don't want to start something that I cannot finish. But I am here and shall do some entries this weekend. Other than that I cannot promise. I don't as of now feel this is deadly or tragic. So I'll be back with some tales.
Just off the tip of the iceberg, I've been hospitalized twice now. Irritatingly enough, may be next Friday but am unsure.
It's 2 in the morning as I write this so I don't want to start something that I cannot finish. But I am here and shall do some entries this weekend. Other than that I cannot promise. I don't as of now feel this is deadly or tragic. So I'll be back with some tales.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Morning.
It's Friday...woot! It's been a week and I simply cannot go into it all right now. I was hospitalized for the last few days because of my heart, the defibrillator fired.
This means a new medication. I also decided to accompany my brother in law and sister into the city on Tuesday. She's a consult with a Dr. there about the enlarged cervix. The point of concern is two fold. I hate rush hour traffic out of NYC. Also both my sister and brother in law expect her to be admitted on spot. And my brother in law cannot drive in the city at all. Oh what children.
Okay that's it, hope to elaborate more this weekend.
-Later.
This means a new medication. I also decided to accompany my brother in law and sister into the city on Tuesday. She's a consult with a Dr. there about the enlarged cervix. The point of concern is two fold. I hate rush hour traffic out of NYC. Also both my sister and brother in law expect her to be admitted on spot. And my brother in law cannot drive in the city at all. Oh what children.
Okay that's it, hope to elaborate more this weekend.
-Later.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Sunday night.
The week is over and the ripples of the ramifications have yet to begin to wash. And thanks for the comment, means a lot coming from you Joe.
I cannot and will not go into exactly why or how my sister lost her job. It is to convoluted. But she was essentially stabbed in the back. It has everything to do with health. So she will be taking early retirement.
The hospital was just nightmarish on Thursday. Long story shortened. At one point she was examined by a Dr. associated with a surgeon who might be able to help. The so called Dr. never addressed the issue she came in for. Essentially told her that she was to high a risk for surgery and the Surgeon wouldn't do it. Not satisfied with that then determined and told her that she had cancer and there was nothing that could be done. She should make final preparations and arrange for hospice care. I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK!?! This individual did reappear again on Friday at her bedside before I got there. Telling her to prepare for the end. My sister told her to get lost. A lot more polite than I would have been I assure you.
Very emotional wrecks here. The Dr. that is in charge of the oncology at Sloan will be reached this week. It was his people that directed us to this other hospital. All we really know is that her cervix is enlarged, nothing else is concrete. But the psychological damage has been done.
So just waiting on this holiday weekend to end so we can try to move forward. Sisters emotions have been up and down. Brother in law as well. What a mess.
Also on Thursday occurred the following. An acquaintance of mine from the cigar lounge died. He was 46 years old, same age as me, he had 2 kids. He died of a massive heart attack. His wake was tonight. I wonder in my sardonic moments, how long that dumb Dr. would have given him.
So that is the gist and end of my week. Go back to work on Tuesday. Nerves still pretty jangled. I'll keep you all informed. Send good thoughts for my sister.
And I shall try to have some adventures so we can have some usual lightheartedness. We'll see.
-Later.
I cannot and will not go into exactly why or how my sister lost her job. It is to convoluted. But she was essentially stabbed in the back. It has everything to do with health. So she will be taking early retirement.
The hospital was just nightmarish on Thursday. Long story shortened. At one point she was examined by a Dr. associated with a surgeon who might be able to help. The so called Dr. never addressed the issue she came in for. Essentially told her that she was to high a risk for surgery and the Surgeon wouldn't do it. Not satisfied with that then determined and told her that she had cancer and there was nothing that could be done. She should make final preparations and arrange for hospice care. I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK!?! This individual did reappear again on Friday at her bedside before I got there. Telling her to prepare for the end. My sister told her to get lost. A lot more polite than I would have been I assure you.
Very emotional wrecks here. The Dr. that is in charge of the oncology at Sloan will be reached this week. It was his people that directed us to this other hospital. All we really know is that her cervix is enlarged, nothing else is concrete. But the psychological damage has been done.
So just waiting on this holiday weekend to end so we can try to move forward. Sisters emotions have been up and down. Brother in law as well. What a mess.
Also on Thursday occurred the following. An acquaintance of mine from the cigar lounge died. He was 46 years old, same age as me, he had 2 kids. He died of a massive heart attack. His wake was tonight. I wonder in my sardonic moments, how long that dumb Dr. would have given him.
So that is the gist and end of my week. Go back to work on Tuesday. Nerves still pretty jangled. I'll keep you all informed. Send good thoughts for my sister.
And I shall try to have some adventures so we can have some usual lightheartedness. We'll see.
-Later.
Good Morning
Coffee is poured, Sunday run is completed. And I'm thinking. Lot's of different things One of note that does affect here. Do I continue to write this on this blog or another?
I'm talking about family stuff. I don't even know if I've conveyed this over the last few entries. It is highly possible my sisters cancer is back. She is high risk surgery and all that. I could go into long stories but hope I've covered it.
Generally I know this place is to talk about me, myself, and I. Sometimes it brings in other people, sometimes it doesn't. I'm never sure about the reaction from this place.
I know, this I have said before, this would also be the point where a lot of bloggers just leave because life gets to real. I'll leave when I can not afford to be on line anymore. Which may or may not happen.
So this is what you get if you stay. A possible emotion filled blog about me and family and cancer. Chunks of my life tossed in. Something like that.
Last night for instance I came back. Brother in law passing out on couch from beer. He has a very bad feeling about this. Had told me earlier in the evening that he just hasn't had enough time with my sister. My sister was in their room sobbing, she was scared to die. Yeah. Going to be interesting.
We did have a talk about money and such. I need to do a lot of cleaning here. If I can get away with it, not blow through every resource I have. I mean it's a 3 day holiday weekend. It is September. We don't have all the information yet. So I shall just continue.
Well you seem to know what to be expecting. Nothing grandiose that I assure you.
-Later
I'm talking about family stuff. I don't even know if I've conveyed this over the last few entries. It is highly possible my sisters cancer is back. She is high risk surgery and all that. I could go into long stories but hope I've covered it.
Generally I know this place is to talk about me, myself, and I. Sometimes it brings in other people, sometimes it doesn't. I'm never sure about the reaction from this place.
I know, this I have said before, this would also be the point where a lot of bloggers just leave because life gets to real. I'll leave when I can not afford to be on line anymore. Which may or may not happen.
So this is what you get if you stay. A possible emotion filled blog about me and family and cancer. Chunks of my life tossed in. Something like that.
Last night for instance I came back. Brother in law passing out on couch from beer. He has a very bad feeling about this. Had told me earlier in the evening that he just hasn't had enough time with my sister. My sister was in their room sobbing, she was scared to die. Yeah. Going to be interesting.
We did have a talk about money and such. I need to do a lot of cleaning here. If I can get away with it, not blow through every resource I have. I mean it's a 3 day holiday weekend. It is September. We don't have all the information yet. So I shall just continue.
Well you seem to know what to be expecting. Nothing grandiose that I assure you.
-Later
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
