Coming soon.

     Christmas eve and day food adventures.  

Can we talk?

        Stranger to write than speak.  Just going through some weird shit right now.  It is the culmination of March 11th come.  All of this has left me in an excitable emotional state.  And I cannot stand it.
     
     At the end of this week.  Friday the 12th.  We loose more people.  Under the guise of doing it for good.  They are basically saying that those terminated on the 31st can bring in their stuff and get paid as if they were here.  Not a bad deal.

     Firstly the guise is this.  If they kept the 31st then someone would have to be here to inventory it.  Come on.  Someone travel for work between Christmas and New Years.  Doesn't take a rocket scientist.

     It's the other part.  The other part is what gets me.  I'll tell you tomorrow.

Roll out the barrel. Reality creeps in.

      I cannot momentarily post from home.  Such is life.  You'll all live I'm sure.  Thoughts are a tad disorganized, was not feeling well at all this past weekend.  Spent it in bed, except for me making myself soup.  Of course this meant no cleaning inside the house could occur.  But that's not why you're here.  Or is it.

     It occurs to me occasionally that this blog becomes oddly directionless.  There is no captain at the wheel so to speak.  Very odd.  I'm sitting here in December with a lot going on.  I'm recapping my life for an audience I seldom hear from.  Yet I know you exist.  So what is the purpose.  Well at least there's no charge for admission so I really owe very little.  

     The elderly co-worker of mine just handed me 3 sugarless cough drops.  As I am at the very tail end of this thing I caught.  In a mere 3 weeks....damn.

     In a mere 3 weeks it will only be my manager and myself here.  Not fun.  I will miss my co-workers.  As will he.  But still for me it's different somehow.  Or at least that's what I tell myself. I don't want to be here anymore.  I haven't for awhile now.  But at the end of things, it's time to move.

     Of course that's easiest typed.  Easier said than done as well.  What next lies on the horizon is surely a mystery for me.  This is not where I wanted to be.

     For the 4th or 5th straight month no house money from the brother in law.  Oh the hilarity of it.  You see according to his brother and sister they've been concerned that I could just toss his ass out.  Now they've a new problem.  Their only hostage is dead.


     Look I did what I could to save this house.  To my own detriment.  Stupidly I admit to it.  But it's over.  I don't have to worry about having heat or electric or cable if she comes home.  She's not.

     Furthermore there is a hole in the roof and on the other side the roof is collapsing.  Oh well.  I'm getting myself in order and that's what counts. My 47th year should be a better one....hopefully.

     Well that's it for today's entry.  Just a rambling one.  Blame reality.  It crept in.

       She settled into a new room at the center.  Not at all near where she was last time.  Her window looked out into the front door area.  Didn't seem as enthused to be there.  There was a row from the first night about her going outside for a smoke.

     Essentially we found the area that I refer to as the pit.  Found out the regulations, she'd not be able to use it for a day or 2.  That in itself was an issue.  Then life returned to an abnormal mess.

     B.I.L. went up M, W, F and me T and T during the week.  On the weekends he had the earlier visit and I had the night.  At this writing it's been about a month on the calendar to the date of her passing.  It's still an odd feeling of having so much time on my own and his hands as well.

     Work was going.  My knee making small improvements.  Yeah remember I injured it?   Anyway it's back there somewhere if you forgot.  And thanks to those that did remember and were curious. Yard work had come to a stop.  The only thing I thought odd was the look of my leg.  I defined it as looking like it was peeling from a sun tan.  I had no idea what it was.

     And the people at work.  Not in my department mind you, just around the building.  Everyone had an opinion.

"Oh that doesn't look well you should see someone."
"That hasn't healed by now?  That can't be good."
"You should see a Dr. right away."

     I'd be lying if I didn't say it was wearing on me and worrying me a great deal.  Especially with the peeling aspect of it.

     It was also a month before the great Exodus of departments being laid off.  I spent a lot of time visiting.  One of my favorites was a man named Mike in accounts payable.  He basically hooked me up with his wife's orthopedist.  And he took our company's lack luster insurance.

     Also in there I believe was a visit to my cardiologist.  Damned fugged time line.  It was he that clinched it for me to see one.

     So I made the appointment.  Was literally a direct run on a major road.  Right where it ended south and you could only go left or right.  It was so perfect.

     Since I'd injured my knee and the B.I.L. was still working the far away place, I'd had my own routines.  I started a new one.  The morning cigar.  A thing I've heard of before, but not something I'd ever done.  Well I had a light one every day since the accident.  And not lying, enjoyed it thoroughly.  By the way that ended when I was told I could go back to the gym.  Just saying.

    So one morning before work I did a test run.  I knew the exact location.  I was happy.  In fact I didn't even need to leave work early.  Which was an issue.  Maybe I'll touch on that tomorrow.

A trip to the Emergency Room.

   

     Now here is some culpability on my end.  Really hope that is the correct word.  Since this was set up I bought her a pack of smokes.  There was a smoking program at the rehab center.  Had to make apologies for that when I called her a liar.

     There is almost nothing creepier than an empty E.R.  To me at least.  We got there.  They did the usual.  I brought her stuff in and left her ensconced there.  She was to call me to let me know when she got to the rehab.

     Long story shortened.  She was in Congested Heart Failure.  There is enough out there for you all to look it up.  This was news.  So she would be there for a few days. Things did not go well and I don't mean health wise.

     B.I.L went up.  There was a fuss about her going for a smoke.  Apparently they no longer let you smoke in front of this hospital anymore.  But that wasn't even the issue.  A wheel chair was never brought up.  Okay the next night was mine.

     She was in her bitchy mood. We were going to the lounge.  It was on the same floor.  I saw no real reason to deny this request.  Wheel chair was brought forth.  Nurse offered to help.  Sister wanted to wait.  Well I didn't notice but the nurse did.  She'd dropped a smoke and a book of matches.

     There was a bit of a row.  She demanded to be let out front to smoke.  They said no.  Things began to get loud.  They said she couldn't go out with the heart thing.  So she took it off.  This brought nurses in thinking a problem.  Then she said fine.  She was going to go to the bathroom.  She did.  And they smelled it.

     Yup, in a hospital room, with oxygen on, she was smoking in the bathroom.  They busted the door made her flush it. And that was that.

     At some point she came to her senses and when it was she an I in there she asked if they were going to ask her to leave.  I went out and told the nurses she was ready to apologize.  

     Upon returning home I related the tale to the B.I.L., who had a few choice words to say.  Then as I finished she called begging me not to tell him.  To his credit he never did.  Another tale.

     At some point there'd been a room change.  I'm actually not sure what transpired.  I think a nurse had been mean or something.  The phone rang at about 2 in the morning.  I woke up B.I.L. shaking me, saying the typical "I can't do this anymore you talk to her" handed me the phone and walked away.  Lovely way to be woken up.


"Morning."
"You have to come and get me right now.  I am not staying here another minute." there was probably a rather lengthy explanation that time woven away.

     I explained that they did not release people out of the hospital at 2 in the morning.  I also explained I was most likely not getting past security in the E.R.  As most hospitals, this one closes the main entrance and  you go in through the E.R.

     There was some more unpleasantness and she hung up on me.  B.I.L. was standing looking utterly disheveled.  I told him to go back to bed, I'd take the next couple of calls.  Phone rang.

"Well are you coming to get me!?"

"No I'm not.  Sorry."

"Fine then I'll call a cab!."

"I'll leave the porch light on and unlock the front door."

     If a cell phone could have a receiver to slam down, that would be what happened next.  But in this age of technology she just hung up on me.  She called back about 30 min. later and apologized.  She also said she was going to stay the night.  

     Part of me wishes this was all in order in my memory.  But it just isn't anymore.  This is the best I can offer.  If there are any repeats or such, just blame the authors memory.

     As I recalled we got a call from the hospital, another 2 in the morn call. There had been a cardiac event and she'd stopped breathing for a length of time.  She called later and cleared it up.  And this goes by what I've said before in these entries, Stay Alert!

     Long story short.  They knew about the C.H.F.  They knew she needed a CPAP machine.  They just didn't provide one.  That was what happened.  All was fine.  She was back in rehab 2 days later.

     Whatever night it was I had cooked.  No clue what it was.  Had served her.  B.I.L eating in living room, me in the kitchen at the counter.  A call from my sister rang out.  "Hurry come quick!"

     This wasn't unusual.  In fact it would often be the call she'd make to have a spider killed.  I walked to the room, B.I.L remained seated.

     She'd dropped her smoke.  The floor was on fire.  Better yet it was burning the hose of the oxygen machine.  

     I shouted fire and told him to bring water.  Acting quickly I turned the oxygen machine off and put out the fire.  He arrived.  I looked up sharply at my sister and chastised her soundly.  "Next time yell Fire!"

     The new concern now became finding her a hose for the oxygen machine.  And it had to be long enough to reach the bathroom.  No further recriminations were given.

     This had long been a dread of mine.  How many times do you hear about people falling asleep with a smoke and causing a fire?  And this was due to her low blood oxygen level, of that I was sure.

     Shortly afterwards, maybe a night or 2 she'd made a decision.  She needed to go back to rehab.

     I didn't disagree at all.  In fact I'd thought it a mistake for her to come home.  At the center she had a life, some friends, activities and such.  At home she was alone all day.  No motivation.  At night I came home, cooked, visited, then relaxed.  Sometimes we'd even watch some television.

     He'd come home.  See her for 5 min.  Drink, eat dinner, drink, make her tea, drink, go to bed and pass out.  Hell compared to that I'd prefer the rehab too.

     So 3 weeks to the day the plan was to take her to the E.R.  She'd arranged it so she could be gotten into the rehab center.  But nothing ever goes that smoothly.

The last week at home.

     Here we go.  Now partly what happened the weekend of the 4th, the trust fund came up.  She even spoke to his sister.  That went over like a carbonate balloon.  Just felt lead would have been overkill.  

     The pall over the house was now complete.  It was obvious she was doing little to help herself.  But she was saying she was.  

     I'm never sure if it is just purely pathological or what.  The ability to tell someone that is a lie, but profess it to be the truth.  Until it becomes a reality.  Well let's do a quick foreshadowing, that would suffice.  One night after her return to the rehab.  Took her to the vending machine.  She had a $10.  I told her it didn't take tens, 1's and 5's.  she assured me that she did this all the time.  In it went.  She got her purchase, let's say .90 and change in the amount of $4.10.  That is a fine example.

     Let us discuss sleep apnea a little.  I think the majority of people that do suffer from it sleep on their backs.  That is just my assessment.  It may be worthless, who knows.  But after a lifetime of it who is to say.  Now there may be other conditions, in her case her C.O.P.D.  It seems to me now that a majority of people over 50 now have what is called a CPAP machine.  It is a machine patients use when sleeping.  It forces oxygen through a mask.  It looks uncomfortable enough so that I don't ever want to develop this condition.

     Well she'd stopped using it.  You really are just supposed to use it while sleeping.  She used it constantly.  I think that was a large issue too.  I tried to explain the Dr.'s points.  Wear oxygen when doing normal things and use that only when you're ready for bed. To no avail.  She started using only the oxygen.  

     Look I'm not going into step by step, face it I don't have the tolerance.  She became a tad dopey and oxygen deprived.

     Sorry I just don't know how I wish to keep proceeding.  Step by step, blow by blow.  Makes for damned boring reading and writing.  My belief is that I have now laid the ground work.  Think we'll go back to the normal way tomorrow.

     The first 2 days home she pretty much slept.  Rehabs are a lot like hospitals.  You don't really get to rest.  I was feeling positive as all Hell.  Even made a few day trip plans.  Had suggestions.  I was all in.  Sadly I was the only one.  Oh no faithful reader.  I am still the same realist.  There will be reminiscing, maybe tender stuff.  But I am still the same about those 2.  Anyway.

     The following week looked promising.  The B.I.L. was off.  So if there were any bumps; or need of help, he'd be there.  Weekend went as it always did.  They started fighting like cats and dogs Saturday night.  I think it was over her demand for a smoke.

     I put my headphones on and listened to podcasts until I fell asleep.  Sunday night the same shit.  Monday was the beginning of the week.  Gave her a little pep talk. She assured me she was leaving the bedroom.  Off I went.  Yup, whoever thought that she didn't leave was right.

     I let it slide until Wed.  I tried talking to her again.  First it was an excuse of that she had been exercising in the bedroom.  Then it was that the cluttered doorway was impassible.  Then she demanded the walker.  It was my mom's and in the garage.  It was brought forth.  That week passed into the weekend.  The B.I.L. telling me she never left the room.  Yet I was still somewhat hopeful.

     He was spending his usual time with her the following week.  Come home, 10 min to complain about his day.  Then watch T.V. in the living room and drink.  Eat dinner, he'd bring her's for her into the bedroom.  Downstairs still drinking.  Come upstairs and make her tea for like 2 hours.  She bought it.  When really all he was doing was drinking and drunkenly complaining to himself.  Part of me wonders if he regrets that.  

     The fights were nightly.  No I don't think the alcohol played a bigger role.  They were always volatile.  One night I did intercede, it was annoying as Hell.

     With some encouragement from her and myself the next week.  It was the July 4th weekend.  Told you the time line may be iffy.  He went to stay for an overnight with his family.  

     It was an alright night.  I even watched the Macy's day fireworks with my sister.  Something I never do and I suppose now I'm glad I did.

     He came back and said he'd a nice time.  Then it was back to fighting every night.  It was truly nightmarish.  the second week passed.  She still had not left the room.  At 1 point I distinctly remember.  She'd called him in to watch some T.V.  He screamed from the kitchen that he was making her tea.  Bet he wishes he could have those 2 hours back.  But hey there was fucking bud light to be drank.

    The final week the fighting slowed.  My sister was not backsliding completely.

I'm going to stop here for today.