I am the border walker.

It is very strange to put down. Mostly because of the reflex response that people will give. Simply put, I am not well liked. Odd?
Okay first reaction is that it isn't true. Next question would be why not? Valid in many cases. A more cautious concern might be that there is some psychological reason. I find the last one intriguing.
It would be beyond me to explain my situation. One of my earliest memories is that of my mom telling me that I was different. People don't will judge me by how I look. It was utter nonsense when I was younger. As I aged it became clearer.
I'm attempting to keep this coherent. It would be all too easy to get lost in the minutiae of it all. I also don't want to come across as a victim of things beyond my control.
Okay one thing is, I am grateful for this knowledge. I watch, often cringing at the people that are the but of jokes and never know it. Watch as they often attempt to make in roads that may never be achieved. I think I occasionally envy them. But again this goes away from the thesis here. Which is that I seem to be openly disliked.
I am an extremely young looking person for my age. Hell its almost vampirish. This seems to be very of putting to people. It may be a youth culture, but I seem to be the point of ridiculousness.
The second thing to ensue is the attempt to immediately classify me. Which can be difficult. I'd say I've androgynous features that can cause a good deal of confusion.
That's me in a nutshell. And at the moment I am going through a rough time. And the thread is lost and I'm not sure anyone but me reads this so I'll spell check and leave.

No real clue

Well it's been awhile since I posted something here. Seems I'm not entirely enthralled by this site either. The access, the lack of readership, I don't know. The other problem I'm encountering is this: My ideas are coming to me when I've no capacity to write them down or even record them here.

I've had several good dissertations in my skull and yet nothing for here. I feel like I'm running on empty. Silly yes, avoidable, quite possibly. Perhaps I'm just trying to reach a level of comfort here. I don't know. and for all my love of the spell check, I've not used it in the last 2 blogs.

Well I've some bills to pay and guess I'll surf a bit.

Brave new world

It is funny, I've bragged about the spell check and failed to use it in the last 2 posts. I've realized that this may be more of a private blog because it can't be found. Interesting.

I've almost given notice at the other site. The damned emails won't stop. I'm just a frustrated writer looking for a place. A place to warm up before I start the serious act of writing.

Really must admit the hesitation here is because I've a good following there. About 25 readers per post. And now I'll be here where I've not a clue if anyone reads it or not. Unless they leave a message. But that does leave that wonderful feeling of anonymity.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. It's town day. Vendors on the street and such. I'm hoping for some good ones. And hitting a few more beaches. I also want to make sure I have concrete plans for Monday. The weather promises to be absolutely gorgeous.

I think I'm done. Got me a coffee refill. Still finding my legs here.

Interesting

Currently waiting to take sister to doc. Explored this site a tad bit more. Interesting thing is, there is not search engine I can find. So anyone finding this will be totally at random. Intriguing. By the way after bragging about spell check, I didn't do so for the second entry.

This trully will be an open template here for me. I like it. Big thing for me this morning so far, I cleaned my blender. Seriously, it was getting disgusting. I love my fruit smoothies in the morning.

And I cannot get a tide table online. Is that ridiculous or what. I need to take stock of what fundage I have for this weekend. Later on.

Blog 2

Well that one went well. Except for the fact that the time is all wrong. But I can live with that. Always wrong on the other sight as well.

I'm desperatley trying to tune in the Joey Reynolds show as I'm typing. Hell if I've a 5 days off I should get to hear it once or twice. Damned Bose radio, at that price it should work. I got that for myself as a treat after my first year of sobriety and first full year of employment. I've had some damned interesting jobs.

First job ever was delivering store flyers to businesses. After that I'm not totally sure. Oh yes, telemarketing for a charity. Then I believe a supermarket back when scanners where knew and people were suspicious of them. Failed at that and they demoted me to cart boy. Didn't last long. After that it gets sketchy.

Can't say I ever found my calling. I was a video game junkie in my youth. Loved them. This was back in the day of the Commodore and the Atari 2600. Sorry but Intellivision was for rich kiddies. I am fond of saying that at my age I haven't lost my lust for games. But either my tastes have become refined or I'm just plain getting old.

I like what used to be called the role playing games. Ultima 3 Exodus will always be the pinnacle to me. Today's games are just so annoying and violent I think. But I am not a purest by any means. I have been known to play GTA.

I just want a good game. Not to much sappy graphics and drama. Forget the cutscenes. Mini games, bah. But enough about that. Now-a-days I play a game on the computer, or used to. It happens to be Ultima online.

I started when mom got sick and I needed to be home more. It was a great distraction for me. And I always had the option to walk away, which I frequently had to do. Now mind you, you get all types in these games. I saw a lot of really stupid shit.

Scammers, cyber crap, drama, Hell I saw at least 1 marriage break up because of it. Maybe that too is why I kept it so distant. I met a woman myself. Uh oh, see now here is a revalation I wouldn't make elsewhere.

I met a woman. A player, cyber slut if you would. Sure I say it now, we are techincally friends. But for whatever reason she was really into me. Yeah I know what you're thinking, whatever. I had to keep distant but did feel a mutual attraction. Now when I call her a slut you must understand, she cyber cheated on me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I actually did develop a real affection for her. I felt I was helping her. She lost sleep over the game, and for the men in her life. She even lost her job over it. Relax she's doing much better now and has even relocated. But after the 5th time of being cheated on, I left her. It actually hurt as if it had been real. Assinine.

And did I mention this is a game where you pay a fee per month to play. Heheh. Strange how reality can bend. In a way I do owe her a debt, for some of the good she brought me.

Okay I'm not sure what the rambling point of this was. Maybe I'm just keyed up about the new blog. I sure as Hell don't know. But if you read leave a comment.

First Blog Here

So here we are. Why?

Well to be completely honest, I like the blog concept. I read blogs, sometimes the older the better. I like writing them too. I have one on myspace, been going on for about 1 year. Thing with myspace is it is rather cold.


My cousin got me started there. I was not impressed. Very shortly afterwards my cousin left. "It's not my crowd, to young." And there I lingered for quite sometime. I'd add people I didn't know and found nothing all to interesting. I read other peoples blogs there. I'm just not a very computer social person. Which is odd as you shall learn eventually.

I've 3 younger cousins on there that I know of. I've had little contact with them at all in recent years. They've a whack of people on their lists. And am fairly certain they read my blogs. The thing that annoys me the most about the myspace crap is the crap. This week alone I've had over 50 emails about adding this or that and its all ad's. Not my style. For a long time I didn't want to get to personal there. Because family reading and such. Paranoia isn't the right word but it'll do. And the lack of any good feed back there.

So after some thought I decided to try this site. Let us see what befalls us here.

1 definite positive here is that fact that there is spell check. I wonder if anyone will read the ramblings. But then there is that freedom I spoke of. Anonymity of it all I reckon. Okay a bit about me.

I'm 40 now. Don't feel it and certainly don't look it. I had a wonderful 9 and half year drinking binge. It was the last 6 months that made me someone with a problem. After 11 years of keeping it very under control, I can enjoy beer socially. I never go past 3 beers. Besides and quite honestly beer was never my favorite.

It was more my gateway drug for wine and hard liquor. Those I could never limit myself on. Eventually we'll get into that I figure. I live in New York State. Relatively close to New York City. I go out quite frequently both alone and with company. I was never taught that you needed others to enjoy life. Good teaching I think.

I now live with my sister and brother in law. It's quite a chaotic situation. I refer to them both as adult children. They want to be taken care of. Lost my mom about 2 years ago. I will always be proud that I was here to help, I was sober, and she was my friend. Funny thing about that. She died a few months after my sister got married. There is a picture of me sitting next to an empty seat. Carol, the young lady I was infatuated with, didn't show up.

I work full time at a company with a truly soul sucking job. But it is a paycheck. There are some characters there as well. In fact one of my co workers spends a good deal of time on myspace as well. But hey its a paycheck for now. I am also a frustrated writer. Am constantly broke as of late. And have begun to prepare a few schemes to make money. And no, none of this ever makes me wish I'd not stopped drinking.

So who knows where this will go from here. Will there be a clear cut path? Will there be drama, comedy and such? The only thing there won't be is such lines like "I can't talk about this here" If i can't, I just won't mention it.

Well that appears to be it. For now I can only promise that I shall post at the minimum of 1 time a week. So that would be next Thursday. but it shall probably be more frequent. Thanks for reading.