Coffee and me sitting here on what promises to be a grand Wednesday, weather wise that is. My head is definitely clearer. Got some better sleep. Not much else has changed.
Yesterday was a total day awash in a study of anger for me. I was very angry. Anger and I have had an on and off again relationship for as long as I can remember.
My personal struggles with it have been long. It is a very destructive force. The epitome of a good chunk of my life. I'm not here to defend it. Just to say that I did realize it and have made strides. It is a very, very, seductive thing that when left unchecked can be out and out dangerous.
For me it is verbal, I'm not the physical type. But when roused I can rip a person to shreds. I believe my whole philosophy in my youth was to hurt them before they could ever hurt me. Yeah I'm sure I was a pleasure to be around. Couple that with a drinking problem and what a combination.
I'm not entirely sure there was just 1 turning point, a time where I saw the light. Life is a journey. I think I just tired of that. Tired of being angry all the time. I also thought of the innocents. See those are the ones that I remember the most. The people that may have stopped to try to help and I lashed out.
I'm not trying to do a whole lesson on this. In time I worked on it. Little things. It is a work in progress. One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given I shall pass on here. IF IT ISN'T A SENTENCE DON'T SAY IT.
Sarcasm makes for good comedy in the entertainment industry. In life it can be quite cutting. I rarely jump into a conversation. And I am always checking my statements before I say them. Think about it.
Point is even as far as I've come, I am still prone to fits. Sometimes unrecognizable to me. They are all internal, a great deal of energy to be harnessed, nevertheless the feelings still exist.
So yesterday huh, still here. Okay lets roll.
After the blog entry I actually finished my coffee and went back to bed. Heard the breakfast run and dozed off. It was round 9 when I awoke refreshed. Got up and milled about. Decided to do some light shopping on the gray day.
Was dressed by 9:10 and wished my sister a good morning. She asked me where I was going? I stopped. Thought to myself, "really? what the blankety blank." I just replied out. No worse feeling than being accountable for your where abouts on your vacation.
Grabbed me a bagel and went to the store. Not bad really. I had a $35 store credit walking in. Got 1 pair of pants, 2 shirts, 5 socks, came to just under $73. So in total I spent $38, I'll take it.
For whatever reason, as I was somewhat close to the lounge I did a drive by. It was 11:30 at this point. Saw no vehicles I recognized and drove on. Think I wound up back home about 1.
There were a few things I still wanted to get done. Laundry, I mean why not, I can start off next week fresh and I had new stuff to wash. Start, begin, or at least get 1 bag of trash from the old car in my driveway. Yes you heard me. 1 bag.
I make no excuses for how I was. I do loathe the idea of having to clean it out. And I'm sure it smells like Hell. And yes I'm far from done. Little stupid things in there. Things I've forgotten. 2 jackets which will immediately be taken to the cleaners, or is it 3? Not a task for the weak at heart.
Upon arrival I was summoned. I questioned as to whether she'd left the room. She claimed she had and I doubted her. I reminded her about having to move. She's prone to pneumonia. She's been hospitalized with it twice before.
Asked me what I did for lunch, had pizza, she looked disappointed. At this juncture I knew that she thought I should have thought about my poor sister stuck at home. Her words she's used before. Asked if I could make her lunch. Told her I was busy and she should make it herself. Claimed a wicked headache. I've been down this road before.
-Sorry but this post has been long enough I'll post part 2 later. Breakfast calls.
Later.
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