Alone at Christmas

Hey Merry Christmas,
Not Happy Holidays but yes Merry Christmas! Sitting here in my bathroom plotting my day.

This is not a boo hoo hoo feel bad for me post sorry. No this is just a statement with an explanation. One that I can make here and not elsewhere.

I had a great childhood. Lots of family and such. No shortage. But we must make a distinction here. My fathers family was small. My mothers was large. For whatever reason we stuck with my fathers line.

Now I must not loose my train of thought here. They were fun, but....what is the word I'm lacking. In any case. We generally spent every holiday going to them. Can you spot the thing here. Then they moved 2 and a half hours away. And still every holiday was spent with them.

Again, I enjoyed them, great memories. But even I saw the flaws that would eventually happen. It was a one way street. People die and moves happen. Spent 2 solid years travelling to Florida during this season to see them. Anyone down South or who knows about THE GATOR BOWL, will tell you it's a long drive.

The main patriarch of that branch died. Things loosened up. I on the one hand was grateful for the memories. I was also grateful for the not having to travel anymore as well.

My sister never quite got that far. Always longing for the way things used to be. Please let me reiterate. It is always difficult when talking about family, outsiders don't see all. We always travelled to them. They rarely travelled to us.

Holiday season here is very stressful. Sis wanting to have things back to the way they were. Have had a few holidays ruined by the bratish offspring of that family promising holiday time. Her hopes are always dashed, better things pop up.

My mothers family you may be wondering? Well after decades of not going, what was to be expected. They are always adding to their family and celebrating. I am the stranger at the door to them. I don't blame them. Besides, my sister is having a bitterness with one of my Aunts. That's for another time.

My sister eventually married. A nice tight family that always gets together. It can be a chore to get her to go. Here is a group that likes her and wants to embrace her. And yet she still wants the old family.

Well today out the door she went with hubby to their family. I've been to far to many of their functions in her place. And they aren't anymore my type then I am theirs.

I apologize, if anyone does read this anymore. But phone rang and I've lost train of thought. So I'm getting dressed and going out.

More unorganized thoughts....

I've come to another road block of sorts. You see I'd invite 2 people here from another site. One I have known for 8 years, the other for 2. The Second is a reader of my blogs and a fan. Also seems to be a very nice person. And in essence is a stranger. Somehow I don't mind that.
The first is a friend of mine you see. 1 of 2 people I would like to meet that I've met over the Internet. Met both of them in the humor chat room. The second of the 2 now reads my blog on the other site. One of the other reasons I don't just close it down.
Lost? Okay. Let's talk about the woman from the Humor chat room. A good friend. That is all I wanted. And we are great friends to this day. Her health has declined badly and such. That happens gang. So what is the problem?
In an earlier post I reference a "relationship" I had with someone from a video game. This would be new news to this woman. It would really be difficult to explain. A lot was going on then too.
I loved the game, as I'd mentioned. The chat room....well it had become in my opinion, elitist. I don't do well in those circumstances. We had to bow and scrape, damned hard over the Internet, to a person. So I spent less and less time there. Thankfully the friendship endured.
You know in writing this. I think I'll expose it. I'll forewarn her there are things she may not know about me. Because here I'm a tad more honest.
Oh, well I never told her about the woman for a few reasons. One, you know how women are, jealous. I also didn't want to be thought less of. And trust me, there was plenty to think less of me about.
I'm not talking about cyber sex for those who grinned there. I mean moreover, a woman that, good grief can I admit this? I fell for, and she cheated? on me several times. Oh that would be a grand explanation eh? It would make an interesting post, Hell just the one where I ended it. Oh well.

Waiting on the Simpsons

I'm sitting here waiting for the Simpson's episode to begin. Trying to make sense out of this blog. Some good threads, some things that definitely need explanations. Oh and of course rambling thoughts....can't have enough of those.
So what is the point? I don't know. This is a place where I come to expose myself like I cannot elsewhere. Have I done that? I say yes. The problem is I've done it in a very haphazard way. It's like a Van Gough where everything is a jigsaw. You are seeing pieces without definition. Not what I really wanted at all.
What I was thinking on is this. Post some pictures and tell a story. Recently, I was looking at old pictures of my youth. Grammar school youth. I think I was truly happy then. Which of course leads to the question am I not happy now?
No, I am not depressed. I do however recognize the difference between happiness as a child and as an adult. Even this year, I have had to come to the realization that time is moving faster.
If we compare childhood to a dog. Bear with me here please. A dog is just simplicity, it wants love and gives love in return. That is if you don't mess it up. We do tend to mess children up you know. Let us not get mired down there. I'm looking for a definition and failing to find it.
Basically my point is this, I loved my childhood as a dog loves its kind master. Undaunted devotion? Sounds a tad foreign, but it makes sense. Despite that my family wasn't perfect, who's is? I really had an awesome childhood. And I am glad for those memories.
That is where I think I would like to start, but who knows if I will. That's it for now.

Good Morning

Well good morning. It has bee quite awhile. The things in my life have really played with me recklessly. I'm sitting here at 6 something on a cold Saturday morning. I'd forgotten about this place. But October hit me and hit me hard.

October has never been a good month for me. To begin with, it contains both my dad's birthday and the date of his death. Sad yes, tragic no. For some reason the change of season, it's merely summer to fall, affects me.

Sleeping habits change, my heart does some funky things. If I'm going to be late with a bill, it will be in October. And in today's climate that says a whole lot no?

This year started early. The early warning shot was me blowing a tire in the last week of September. No car harm and it is only money, but it started there.

During the first week my manager was away and I was in charge. No great deal, only 1 or 2 mis-haps which I had to answer for. When I tell you I had living nightmares in my sleep. The ones where breath was short, I was being screamed at, and knew it was a dream. One dream in where I was fired. Made for a very long weekend. Yes this I blame on October. Oh and it was no great big deal, just thought I'd drag that in.

At one point my manager had asked me for my e-mail address. I gave the main 1. A mistake. He had it. Why was he asking for it?

Come to find out, I cannot actually make a correlation here, I had more readers of my other blog. And no my manager never emailed me. 1 was a friend request from an ex co-worker. I could go into him at another point. On his page was someone from the legal department.

This caused a great terror in me. You see, I was used to silent readers. Even cousins who did not converse with me. But co-workers current and ex? It was a strange violation into my place of anonymity.

Realizing that this doesn't all seem that terrible, a lot doesn't when you have to write it into coherence, try it.

But I am here, and now must wonder if I will stay. I want something like a picture blog. I've as of late been enamored of my silly childhood. Can you put pictures here?