I think...

     I think this is the point where so many bloggers disappear.  Take long breaks or just abandon the blog.  Why not me?

     Mostly because I think it is therapeutic. Pure, plain, and simple.  That is why I do it.  The heart surgery blog was to exorcise  the memories and leave it so others could see and I could have a record of them.  You know how time diminishes these things.

     This blog?  Just seem to enjoy it.  So it continues.  I cannot say I have ever really come in and re-read anything.  So it continues and there will be breaks.

     The blog has no followers, so how do all these people keep finding it?  I've 2 comments from a few years ago, and even that person left.  So yeah I pretty much do this for me.

     It is a gray Saturday morning.  Have my coffee of course.  Although I must go buy more.  It is looking to be a long weekend, without incident.  

     Money will be getting extremely tight for us.  I'll be in charge of that portion of the ship.  So it will be fun.  No vacations as I had planned.  If anything more Dr. visits for my sister.  So I'll need to be available.

     Had a talk to them last evening.  Told them a lot more would be required of them.  Also had a private talk with the brother in law.  Told him to keep how he felt on Thursday.  Spend more time with her, loose temper less, every day from here should be considered a gift for them.

     Had a talk to my sister. I'm hoping she maintains her drive and maybe this is the time she changes here life.

     That's it for now.  So the adventures maybe less, I'm unsure.  The entries odder, that could be fun.  But I don't think I'm leaving you all.  Unless of course I loose the house instantly and have no place to blog.

Later.

A post I wouldn't read.

     Basically the vacation has culminated in my sisters hospitalization.  I really can't even remember most of yesterday morning,  Almost would be hard to fathom that I would even be emotional.  I take nothing I've said back, but behind the words, my actions always, conveyed love and support.  Really?  I'm tearing up this is pathetic beyond belief.

     She's in the hospital, I'm going to see her today.  Basically there is a lot of bleeding from somewhere.  Her cervix does need to be removed.  And one of the Dr.s said it was cancer, although the story there is species at best.

     Throw in the bullshit that occurred with her job, I'll just say she's retiring.  If she dies I will let you all know, probably, no promises.

     Brother in law is a wreck, I'm a bit better. That's the stupid part.  I should be fine because nothing is definitive yet  I tend to think it is because of what happened at her job that breaks me up.  A person fighting for their life does not need that stress. 

     So this Dr., who is part of a team that was recommended by the hospital said there is no hope and we should plan for hospice.  We're going to eventually try John's Hopkins in the city.  A veritable panoply of crap awaits.

     My main issue is keeping it together. 

     So if we don't return to our normally scheduled broadcast you now have a reason.  Thanks for listening.  Read this half aloud to hear my voice and work out the emotion.  ugh. 

Later.

Tuesday's continuation and end.

     So stuck now at home.  I puttered around and cleaned out the sink.  A joyous task.  I'd made mind up, if I was now cooking we'd be eating my way.

     Sunday I'd made a grand pork roast.  Instead of the usual protein and starch I switched it up.  I prepared some fresh broccoli.  My sister had been staying away from veggies for some time.  Had bad effects on her since chemo and radiation.  Bowels in an uproar of sorts.  Now since she was home, I decided to give no choice and force veggies back unto them.  My brother in law eats very little veggie matter, but he's not the one needing the help.

     Given the turmoil of Monday and the sink still full of dishes we did pasta.  Usually it's serve a big plate with bread.  But not that night.  Side dish of pasta, some bread, and a very nice bagged salad with some cherry tomatoes to boot.

     Tuesday.  Okay I was going with burgers.  Lately it's been burger with some sort of fries.  Well not this night.  Did the usual fried mushrooms and served some outrageous asparagus with them.  Big hit.  Brother in law had even come out to tell me she was going to pass on the salad.  Ha!

     Really feel as if something is being forgotten but what the Hell.

     Went to my spot by the water and had an evening smoke.  Thus ended Tuesday with a whimper.

Wednesday will follow.

Later.

    

Part 1 Anger and Tuesday.

     Coffee and me sitting here on what promises to be a grand Wednesday, weather wise that is.  My head is definitely clearer.  Got some better sleep.  Not much else has changed.

     Yesterday was a total day awash in a study of anger for me.  I was very angry.  Anger and I have had an on and off again relationship for as long as I can remember.  

     My personal struggles with it have been long.  It is a very destructive force.  The epitome  of a good chunk of my life.  I'm not here to defend it.  Just to say that I did realize it and have made strides.  It is a very, very, seductive thing that when left unchecked can be out and out dangerous.

     For me it is verbal, I'm not the physical type.  But when roused I can rip a person to shreds.  I believe my whole philosophy in my youth was to hurt them before they could ever hurt me.  Yeah I'm sure I was a pleasure to be around.  Couple that with a drinking problem and what a combination.  

    I'm not entirely sure there was just 1 turning point, a time where I saw the light.  Life is a journey.  I think I just tired of that.  Tired of being angry all the time.  I also thought of the innocents.  See those are the ones that I remember the most.  The people that may have stopped to try to help and I lashed out.

     I'm not trying to do a whole lesson on this.  In time I worked on it.  Little things.  It is a work in progress.  One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given I shall pass on here.  IF IT ISN'T A SENTENCE DON'T SAY IT.

     Sarcasm makes for good comedy in the entertainment industry.  In life it can be quite cutting.  I rarely jump into a conversation.  And I am always checking my statements before I say them.  Think about it.

     Point is even as far as I've come, I am still prone to fits.  Sometimes unrecognizable to me.  They are all internal, a great deal of energy to be harnessed, nevertheless the feelings still exist.

     So yesterday huh, still here.  Okay lets roll.

     After the blog entry I actually finished my coffee and went back to bed.  Heard  the breakfast run and dozed off.  It was round 9 when I awoke refreshed.  Got up and milled about.  Decided to do some light shopping on the gray day.

     Was dressed by 9:10 and wished my sister a good morning.  She asked me where I was going?  I stopped.  Thought to myself, "really? what the blankety blank."  I just replied out.  No worse feeling than being accountable for your where abouts on your vacation.

     Grabbed me a bagel and went to the store.  Not bad really.  I had a $35 store credit walking in.  Got 1 pair of pants, 2 shirts, 5 socks, came to just under $73.  So in total I spent $38, I'll take it.

     For whatever reason, as I was somewhat close to the lounge I did a drive by.  It was 11:30 at this point.  Saw no vehicles I recognized and drove on.  Think I wound up back home about 1.

     There were a few things I still wanted to get done.  Laundry, I mean why not, I can start off next week fresh and I had new stuff to wash.  Start, begin, or at least get 1 bag of trash from the old car in my driveway.  Yes you heard me.  1 bag.  

     I make no excuses for how I was.  I do loathe the idea of having to clean it out.  And I'm sure it smells like Hell.  And yes I'm far from done.  Little stupid things in there.  Things I've forgotten.  2 jackets which will immediately be taken to the cleaners, or is it 3?  Not a task for the weak at heart.

     Upon arrival I was summoned.  I questioned as to whether she'd left the room.  She claimed she had and I doubted her.  I reminded her about having to move.  She's prone to pneumonia.  She's been hospitalized with it twice before.

     Asked me what I did for lunch, had pizza, she looked disappointed.  At this juncture I knew that she thought I should have thought about my poor sister stuck at home.  Her words she's used before.  Asked if I could make her lunch.  Told her I was busy and she should make it herself.  Claimed a wicked headache.  I've been down this road before.

-Sorry but this post has been long enough I'll post part 2 later.  Breakfast calls.

Later.

Which way from here? A very throw it at the wall and see what sticks entry.

     Really do wish I knew the answer to my title.  Other working title would be Vacations suck.  I'm here more for sanity at this moment.  Sleepless night for me.  A lot of bullshit coming down the pike.

     My sister will not be working for at least a month, if not loose her job altogether in the end.  She makes the most money in this place I am interred.

     Brother in law.  He is a burden that has been put around my neck and worked round to the spot in between my shoulders that I can not reach.

     I'm trying to make the best out of this.  Even politely sat down last night and with my sister told him he needed to speak to his family.  He has a trust fund.  He is not allowed to have much.  Not allowed to know how much there is.  He is not allowed to speak of it.  

     He quickly shouted down his usual that he will...he will... he will.  The last time I mentioned we would need help was 2 some odd years ago when sister first got cancer and I was just out of hospital.  His response was similar.  As well as realizing he could drink a six pack of bud light a night.

     He also said he'd get a second job.  This I would like to see.  Does he really thing it would be that easy?  

     I'm just rambling at this point.  Been wrestling with my anger all night long. So now I shall have company here for me daily on my vacation.  Not a moments peace.  Being accountable.  I'd mentioned going out East for myself.  Guess who wants to go.  Really?

     And yes, I'll take her along.  Feeling badly and hoping to cheer her up.  Oh I'm sure there's a word for it.

     In the meantime, to get by for a little.  I'll see what I can personally sell off.  The only thing I am guaranteeing is that I will not bankrupt myself for them yet again.  I need to keep some self preservation for me.

     Thanks for listening.  Let me give you a brief description of yesterday.

     Gray dreary day, early phone call for sister to not come into office.  Off I go, shopping, and truth be told I wanted to hit the cigar lounge.

     The dude who I know during the week now, is a pal I haven't seen in awhile.  Also there is something else.  There was some kind of show and on Friday he essentially left a large humidor with about $1,000 worth of cigars in his trunk.  They found out on Sunday.  They're hoping to be able to resurrect them.  Cigars can be forgiving.  So there's that too.

     There wasn't much else about yesterday.  Staunching the bad news.  Waiting on brother in law to come home, get angry, start drinking.

     I mean seriously, dude your wife just got really terribly mistreated, spend some fucking time with her.  The irony I feel as well is this.  If they hadn't gotten married, extended this house a little.  I actually could have kept it.  It was paid for.  No home equity over my head.  Yeah I'm rambling.

     So today I'm unclear on what I'm doing.  Morning showers I'm told by the weather dude.  Partly cloudy.  Staying home will be Hell.  A lot of get me this and that and crap.  Okay I really just need to get a grip on myself.  But am feeling better.  Perhaps there is something to just blogging.

     A very throw it at the wall and see what sticks entry.  NOW THAT IS A TITLE. Copied and pasted.

     In the end it will all work out one way or another.  Not quite so terrible.  I always say some strife is good for change.  Who knows maybe this will be the kick in the ass my sister needs. Who knows?  
     
     Today?  Well today I definitely want  to do some clothes shopping.  Maybe some yard work.  Clean out the old car, yes it is still in my driveway.  Need to clean up in house too.  Thank goodness I can keep busy.  And I think I may know why I couldn't sleep but that I'll keep to myself for right now.

Later.
     

Gray Monday Vacay Day

     One of my favorite blogs seems to be leaving.  70 child.  So I sent my thanks and good wishes.  Of course I messed it up considerably.  Had that comment verification enabled, so each time I entered it I just noticed it didn't say sent.  Long story shortened, I sent the message like 10 times until I saw the message was on the top.  Oh well. 

     Of course my coffee is good. You're joining me at about the 3rd and final cup mark.  So this week I'm off.  Looks like scattered showers until Thursday.  Technically fine with me.  What is on the agenda today.

Coffee.  Check.

     That's about it at the moment.  Oh and I do want to visit my pal at the cigar shop, just to say hello.  Think it will be my only sojourn there this week.  I actually stopped there Saturday, and of course Sunday as well.  Hoping to catch up with another friend who is a regular there.  Enough about that plop.

     Summer is ending, sad.  Although I may have cracked the code slightly.  We all wonder how we loose the time when so young and how it goes so fast.  For me I think I find it goes about pay periods.  Seriously hear me out.

     Younger me did chores for a once a week allowance.  Having only me to spend it on.  Being outdoors all day and a lot of the evening.  Glorious.  There are moments when I can still catch certain colors of the Summer sky and trees, I pause.  It takes me back.  I kid you not, one dusk reminded me so much of my youth I saw a vision of my former best friend from childhood.  I knew she wasn't there.  I let the image just sit, I enjoyed it.  Auburn hair, yellow dress, killer smile.  MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER PEEPS!  Talking about when kids were kids here.  She stayed next door, I remember running across dew soaked lawns with her.  Anyway...

     As we get older and more distracted time starts to shrink.  Not so much perceptibly, at least to me.  My point is now as an adult. I get paid every 2 weeks.  So Summer is generally 6 paychecks.  Damn I lost my rhythm, I'd apologize but we did that already about something else.  Okay let me focus....sip aging coffee.

     Poured out aged cold coffee; rinsed mug; shut both kitchen lamps brother in law left on as an offering to the electric company.  Sunday passed well enough.  Lounge was good.  Brother in law, although drunk, managed to get the pork roast and potatoes into the oven.  Came out nice too.  Cigar by the water with live music across the lawn.  Was some sort of rock-a-billy stuff.  Actually a little disappointing.  But I did have my IPod with me so listened to some pod-casts.

     Today.  Wish I could tell me, let alone you, what is planned.  Gray weather has thrown me for a loop.  To expensive a week to travel, I am thinking of next week.  I'm also considering a considerably cheaper, not so much closer, overnight this week.  More to come on that when it gels in my head.  Weill there is always cleaning, I've always got that to do.  Wondering if sister will go to work this week.  Ugh.  Anyway.

     So I simply am at a loss of what I am doing.  The only planned thing is not to waste money.  Burn on my hand is healing.  Glad it happened when it did, I can ensure the maximum of cleanliness for it.  Bandage it when I go out, when I'm home and not doing much I let it breathe, and yes I bandage it whilst I sleep. I'm a tosser and turner.

     Okay so that's it for now.  Going to try for an entry a day if I'm not away.  Oh read this part last if you like because I've just been inspired to say something else.

     This week or weekend I watched on YouTube, 'I forgot my phone'  which I feel really highlights how invasive technology has become in our lives.  Yes I'm fond of my phone.  Yes I check it every so often.  No, never in the middle of a conversation.  We really are lurching towards a Bradbury future.

     Okay you may not know the story, quick synopsis.  Was about a man who went for a walk in the evening, no one else is seen out..  Robot cops detain him.  Ask why is he outside.  Is his entertainment center broken, his computer.  Obviously the story is a bit ahead of his time, but the point is he is arrested and sent away because of it.  Look it up or something.  I must go.  Do a few emails, then going out, even if it is only to play in the rain.

Later.

     Sunday.  Coffee.  Big assed font.  Have about 20 min before the old bakery run.  Ought to be able to string some letters into words into sentences.  The coherence of the sentences I leave to the wind.

     Yesterday was pleasant.  First day of vacation, cannot remember if I mentioned I took the next week off from work.  Some stuff may still come up that I will have to deal with.

     Have a gnarly burn on my hand from the broiler, happened Thursday.  Just is in a very inconvenient spot all together.   Neither here or there.

     I will plan some day trips.  Unfortunately it is far to expensive to do any real traveling this week.  What with it being Labor day weekend and all.  Must stay away from shopping centers next weekend.  At all costs.  They will be crammed with the jelly of bargain hunters. 

     Yesterday passed pleasantly enough.  I didn't get around to leaving the house until 10:40 or something.  Late for me.  

     Sorry, thread got lost inside me.  Had an internal tirade.  You see I did manage to speak to brother in law about the house money.  He was surprised he didn't make up the missing $100.  Told him not to worry about that.  But he cannot miss this deposit.  Of course I checked.  Of course he did not.  Doesn't tell me.  Just waits like a child hoping I won't notice.  Anyway, just thought about it a moment and was lost in anger.  It has passed now.

    So the bakery run will be made.  I look forward to a chocolate danish on Sundays.  It's maybe as long as the distance between the and quote button on your key board.  Make you look?  Well then I pour another cup of gorgeous coffee.  I heat the danish in the microwave for about 15 seconds and it is heavenly.

     Food shopping will commence as per usual.  Then the lounge for me.  Sister will remain in bedroom all day.  He will drink himself silly, pass out, wake up and eat, drink again.   Okay, okay, enough about them.

     Tomorrow, I am unsure what it holds.  Let's find out then okay.

Later